Month: March 2016

How to implement discipline in the foster/group home

I cringe every time I hear a parent in the coffee shop say “that child just needs a little bit of discipline”, or “he would’t act like that if his parents would just discipline him every once in a while” I even overheard an older couple stating “I don’t know why our daughter won’t let us discipline our grandchild”.  While I’m sure they mean well I just want to firmly Grasp them by the shoulders and say, “LISTEN!!! THAT IS NOT DISCIPLINE!!!”

What is discipline? A few popular definitions of discipline are:

  • The practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience.
  • Training that produces obedience or self-control, often in the form of rules and punishments if these are broken.
  • punish or rebuke (someone) formally for an offense
  • To teach someone to behave in a controlled way

The problem with these definitions are two-fold

  • Focus on cause and effect. (if ____ then ___) 
  • Overemphasis on punishment and control, under emphasis on teaching and relationship building.

Let’s put this into perspective.  Think of the most influential person in your life.  The person that motivated you to be who you are.  I want you to take a moment stop reading and picture their face in your mind… can you see them?  Are you visioning your coach, your mentor, your pastor, your parent, your neighbor, your college professor, your grandparent, your best friend, your foster parent, high school English teacher, guidance counselor or someone else.  Think about that person and what specifically they did that made them so influential in your life?  Is it because of what they taught you, how they inspired you, how they mentored you or because of their unwavering unconditional acceptance of you, because they made you feel special, because they pushed you and wanted to see you succeed?  Inversely, was that person the most influential person in your life because they punished you the hardest, because they controlled your every decision, because they had the strictest rules, or because they demanded obedience and military like compliance?  Did they influence you out of love and compassion or fear and intimidation.

The problem with characterizing  discipline as punishment, is the focus is punitive and rooted in control and obedience not relationship, modeling, influence, or mentoring.  Thinking about your most influential person, what method did they use?

Also children that have been the victims of trauma caused from abuse and/or neglect oftentimes lack the ability to understand causality or the relationship between cause and effect i.e. if you do… then i will do… or you will have to… or you cant do… etc.  

According to the American Association of Pediatrics, in the article entitled Guidance for Effective Discipline:

The word discipline, which comes from the root word disciplinare—to teach or instruct—refers to the system of teaching and nurturing that prepares children to achieve competence, self-control, self-direction, and caring for others.   An effective discipline system must contain three vital elements:

  • a learning environment characterized by positive, supportive parent–child relationships;
  • a strategy for systematic teaching and strengthening of desired behaviors (proactive); and
  • a strategy for decreasing or eliminating undesired or ineffective behaviors (reactive). Each of these components needs to be functioning adequately for discipline to result in improved child behavior.

Let’s change the way we look at discipline.

In its original sense, discipline refers to systematic instruction given by an instructor to a disciple or apprentice to train them as students in a craft or trade, or to follow a particular code of conduct or order. Often, the phrase “to discipline” carries a negative connotation. This is because of its emphasis on enforcement of order – that is, ensuring instructions are carried out – is often regulated through the systematic use of punishment. I believe that this method is both counterproductive and ineffective when used as a behavior management technique against children that have experienced trauma or abuse and neglect.  In my opinion this is why so many parents, group homes and foster homes are either ineffective or under-performing.  When we regard discipline as an opportunity for an instructor to teach a particular craft, code of conduct, or acceptable way to behave, the disciplinarians’ role is that of a teacher.  The characteristics of highly effective teachers are:

  • Respects students.
  • Creates a sense of community and belonging in the classroom.
  • Warm, accessible, enthusiastic and caring.
  • Sets high expectations for all students.
  • Love of learning.
  • A skilled leader.
  • Ability to “shift-gears”.
  • Collaborates with colleagues on an ongoing basis.
  • Maintains professionalism in all areas.

Aren’t these some of the vary characteristics of the most influential person in your life?

If we accept the premise that discipline means to teach a person to follow a particular code of conduct or order, modeling character and teaching self-control and acceptable behavior. Than we must also subscribe to the notion that that the disciplinarian is the teacher and the disciplined is the apprentice or student.  If that is in fact the case then great teachers do not use fear and threat of punishment, rather influence and inspiration.

To discipline also gives rise to the word disciplinarian, the disciplinarian refers to the person or persons that are responsible for carrying out the discipline or the person(s) responsible for teaching the acceptable behavior or the proper code of conduct.  In the group home setting the disciplinarian is both the teacher and the enforcer of order.

In the foster/Group home the resident’s (youth) should be considered the apprentice and the foster parent/group home staff (i.e. the disciplinarians) are considered the teachers. Staff should view discipline as an opportunity to teach or correct a behavior as opposed to an opportunity to punish. Punishment is rooted in feat and puts the emphasis on the negative behavior, while teaching is rooted in love places the emphasis on the positive (desired) behavior.

Here is a thought, rather a paradigm shift, what if discipline could be implemented in love without the threat of punishment?  Is this possible?  I argue Yes!  I have been involved with group home development and ownership 1998, and I have learned how to effectively teach the desired behavior without the threat of punishment, and I believe that mastering this skill is one of the key elements that has made all of my group homes successful.

Mastering the skill of teaching (disciplining) without the threat of punishment, starts with the leaderships buy-in and trickles down to direct care staff.  Care providers that understand their role as teacher first, tend to focus on the lesson that they are trying to teach, proper behavior, interpersonal relationships, following the daily schedule, how to manage anger/stress rather that focus on the punitive aspect of discipline.

I want to leave you with this.  We don’t really want obedience from our children, we want them to be leaders, risk takers, independent thinkers, fearless in the face of adversity, strong in faith and ethics, none of which are traits of obedience.  I implore you, to learn to teach discipline, your children need it.

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